"Therefore if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother, then come and offer your gift" Matthew 5:23.

Some thing has been bothering me in the last little while. I can't pinpoint what it is. I don't feel like myself. Though sometimes I wonder who "myself" really is.

I think the way I like to deal with problems is to run away. Especially when I'm confused about it or don't understand. It's not what I want to do...it's the "chicken" way out :P but it seems to have become an instinct.

Today ...I was reminded that God's love never fails. He is breaking me and allowing this time in my life in answer to a prayer I prayed throughout university. It's good to be reminded that He has a plan. He holds the answers I am looking for.

I do love my parents. : )
My parents and I have different ways of seeing/looking at things. And I think i've been very hard on them. Hard actually isn't the word. I look on them harshly with very high expectations and I find that of all people, I judge them the most. It's not the way I want to be. But I expect a lot from them.....and when I find that their words don't match their actions, I really take it to heart. And it really influences me. Their actions, as much as I would like to not affect me...do affect me. Their fighting and arguing...have really hurt me. And with each new thing, it adds to the thickness/spaces/gulf between us. Through these thick spectacles I look through.....I dont' really see them...as who they are, who God made them to be, children of God that are learning just like me.

But today.... I was able to take those spectacles off long enough to catch a glimpse... :)
and I saw that God has been answering my prayers all along. I've been praying for my parents for many years...for their marriage, their relationship with one another and with the Lord. How many nights, I've prayed that they may stop arguing. And they haven't completely....stopped arguing...but I know that they are listening to one another and the house I know hasn't been so peaceful from as far back as i can remember. Anyways...I was talking with my mom today (a God-gift) When I heard her share, my heart was full of praise cuz I knew that He's working in my mom's heart! ( I guess He's always been...and I just never take off my spectacles to see it) Things are not perfect now. But oh wow...I just feel it's a miracle how something seemingly impossible...is now...happening...and God's moving us to desire more of Him : ) My mom's sharing/testimony really made me think and want to move on : ) haha isn't that what the Holy Spirit does? He blesses you to bless others...and when you share about Him, others can't help but worship and give God the glory :) Hallelujah : )

For those of you that have been around, you may know that this last little while hasn't been easy for me. Life isn't tough persay. You could say many things are actually going quite well on the outside. But my inner life....wasn't so clear.

Friday evening was a cold rainy night and I just didn't feel like going anywhere. CCF had a meeting called Revive that night. I didn't want to go. I mean I REALLY didn't feel like going. I just wanted to stay at home, curled in a ball and sleep (even though I knew I wasn't sleepy). Anyways....before my sister left, she came in my room...and asked...if i was going to go. I don't even know why I said yes cuz I really didn't want to go. Anyways...it was because I said "yes" that made me force myself to go. The night was nice, the speaker was good. But those things didn't really speak to me...what really did was when we were praising God with songs. During that time.....I saw an image in my head of myself ... I was in a hole (perhaps a hole I dug myself)...and while praising...I realized it was a good thing that God placed people around me...to lift me out of that hole. One of these people was my sister. She doesn't know it. But God knew. it was a simple question on her part. but it pulled me out.

This image reappeared as I talked with a friend on msn last night. He was just asking me questions to help me think through some things. But little did he know that it was another way God was using to lift me out of my hole. One question that i've always asked myself (perhaps in my subconscious)...for as long as i've known is: why I do the things I do. I'm a people pleaser. I like to make ppl happy. it makes me happy. But because of this, I always wonder if I do the things i do for people or for God. For example VBS, or....now leading Junior/Praylude, or leading women's cell, becoming a teacher, staying at home, everything. For every single decision, i always hesitated because I never knew whether I did it for the right reasons. And I didn't want to do it if i had the wrong motives (as you can see, this is always a struggle). Sometimes even after leading, I still won't know if my heart & motives were right.

However, as we were talking last night, somehow miraculously that question was answered.
And I knew not just in my head but in my heart that I did all those things for God! It seems like such a simple thing. (Man I can't explain it in words..:( ) But what joy filled my heart when that realization came! I don't know why it mattered so much. But God must've known it would...cuz....i felt free. I can't describe it in any other way. I didn't know that question meant so much to me...but....ya. wow. = ) PTL! Only He could know that! And my heart was filled with joy and praises to Him.

Perseverance....what I was learning earlier in the week.....came back at that moment...and it gave me hope and joy to keep going. Today when Eric came to share....it reinforced...what I realized last night. This is my field. right now. He has told us to be faithful with all the things He's given us. True,,...i might not have very much to give......but we're only asked to give what we have. And I want my kids/teens....to know Christ. and wow! yes...i do. I want all of you to know my God, who is a personal God, one who loves you and loves me!

(Sorry...i've been kinda scattered in my explaining in this blog....it's hard to put in words. hopefully what i wrote makes some sense :P)

What Am I waiting for? I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen.
But I realize unlike when I was in primary school where they ask: what do you want to be when you grow up? or....into high school where they ask, what career do you want to pursue? and we'd all get thinking about our futures and afraid we wouldn't get into university into the courses we want. Then came university, where I was still searching and asking...hm...what will my future hold? I'm past all that.
So what am I waiting for? I AM in the future. what am i waiting for? I can actually choose to do something with my life, to make a difference or....to go anywhere....or do anything.... Then why am I staring at the clock hoping that 10pm will come so i can start to get ready for bed. Sounds ridiculous? I think so too...

Something came to attention today...mixed emotions about it:
disappointment
anger

confusion (this seems to be 'my' emotion these days)

sadness
frustration.
But I'll get over it.

Beautiful morning....was too anxious/excited to sleep...so got up early.
Field trip today in Kindergarten to watch Fred Penner! Spending time with the kids gave my mind a break from the 'goings-on' of the weekend. haha.. the trip was not smooth :P due to some mix ups in timing. We thought we had scheduled 125 kindergartens for the morning show...and show up to realize they had us scheduled for 12:45 O_O. Imagine 125 kindergartens not having anything to do for 3 hours O_O so...they accommodated us for the morning show...but well the kids were all squirmy throughout the presentation. hehe.. so it's been a hectic morning. But still fun! On the bus ride, I got to talk with the children I sat with. I enjoyed that :)

One of the moms....was talking to me...and said that her son told her at home that "Miss Wu is the best!" hehe...so cute. And the mom was saying how her son takes a long while to warm up to someone. It's nice to hear these things once in awhile cuz it reminds me that I am contributing to their lives.

Despite the fact that sometimes its very tiresome to remind the same kid to sit down or ask another to use their medium voices etc... , I find that with each new day, I love each kid more and more. The more I get to know them and their quirks....the more I smile thinking of them.
Maybe I should try to implement this mentality to adults :P

Time cannot be turned back. I can't just pretend things didn't happen the way they did. And I can't expect things to carry on as if life hadn't been happening. I said in my last post that I sometimes life is like a dream. It feels like it, but it isn't. The relationships I built, the things I've learned, the laughter, tears etc. all that remains a part of me forever. It's made me who I am right now.

At one point in time, I realized that no one on earth could have understood it all. No one has walked with me through life enough to know it all unless i tell them. Not my friends, not my sister, not even my parents. How lonely I felt when I had that realization. Until something dawned on me, someone does understand. Jesus! : )
We aren't alone. Someone does Understand & even better, has gone through it all.

Time Flies.
Home has surprisingly been good. Better than I would expect. Now that my parents were home full time, I expected more tension in the house since there was always tension at work. Tension between my parents or between me and my parents. But ...like I said, home has been good. It's nice to see my parents spend time with each other doing something other than arguing. It's something I praise God for when I see it. = ) So peaceful. Will it last....? I don't know...but I pray it's a new beginning. for all of us.

Has life ever felt somewhat surreal to you? Sometimes I feel that way. That life is passing by and I'm doing all the motions but I don't feel a part of it. I feel that if someone in the past were to come back, that life could flip, and these days i'm going through might be just a dream. But it is not. I keep reminding myself that it is not. I want to live in the present.